“We’re lead to people that help us to grow the most”

So here I am, future Novi, back with a post to remind you that HEY, you are beautiful. Yes, you may be ugly when you’re jealous of other people (why Novi why). But you are so capable of loving someone when you decide to. You lack empathy, yeah, but you make up for it with your conscious desire to try. You stop yourself at every slip and apologise when needed. You have managed to stop every desire to exact revenge and to shame people when you very well could.

You hold onto your promises and you try before you let go and guess what, you have gracefully let go of this. Gently letting go of what you’re meant to let go. It’s been one month and just when you’re getting better he didn’t have the decency to tell you what he needed to. He doesn’t realise you have wanted to make sure it ends well and I’m so so proud of you for the courage to do that. Novi you’re much more than what you put yourself down to. In his defence, you thought you’d never say you deserve better. But you do.

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You Cam

Recently I’ve been really enjoying this app called “you cam”

I’m not sure what the aim of the app is for but it sure let’s you play around with different make up looks.

Here’s my edit recently

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From zero

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To hero (so cool right, you get to put so many things on and it’s not even obvious that it was an edit)

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From Mernicorn

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To snow white look (to be fair I won’t be able to pull off tt look cz I’m a lot darker and “orangey” in real life)

While it’s super fun I also ask my self.. If I use this on social media, is it akin to catfishing?

Knowing your heart

Have you ever been frustrated because you seem to not understand someone? I’ve seen a lot of posts on how men don’t understand women (surprisingly not the other way round). But did it ever occur to you that one may not understand their own heart? They may struggle to figure out what is it that they truly want or want more? They are not just giving mixed signals but perhaps going back and forth on whether or not they want you. As confused as you are.

This is something I “learned” recently and it has made me a lot more forgiving to the other person. Warning this may get you off your high horse. Use with caution.

visual : smile

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In an industry so vain like the music industry I can’t help how some people boosts themselves to prominence with smile. Of course not all of them manage to get that one chance lottery but hey, a nicer smile doesn’t hurt anybody

I noticed that this is somewhat a relatively new thing where a lot of kpop artists has their teeth fixed to perfection. In the past perhaps only GDragon did it? Not sure how valid that is tho, I didn’t make any survey whatsoever

But anyway, here’s my beautiful Park kyung with his old jaw

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The thing about jaw or teeth is that most people don’t count dental procedures as surgery and therefore do not dismiss those who have received them as unnatural. How awesome is that right??

Anyway, yes, once I’m out of school, I’ll get my teeth fixed and also hopefully get porcelain veneers of some sort for my smile ❤ this is one of those things I'm looking forward to after graduation yeeheey.

Happiness

“Some people want to be successful, famous, rich. I just want to be happy forever”

Or do I?

It’s crazy how popular self-acclaimed ‘How to live your twenties’ is (My Facebook newsfeed is still flooded by thought catalogues and daily elites articles). I’m still bombarded with the constant message to be happy and to put happiness as the main goal in life because everything else eventually disappears or becomes insufficient. It’s not that this is entirely wrong but that the whole premise itself hasn’t enriched my life. Maybe, I’m doing it wrong?

Counting daily blessings made them a little less special to me
I’m not sure if you still remember 100 happy days. Did you do it? How many days did you stick with it? I did something akin to that but didn’t do it on instagram. I wrote down the three things I was grateful for. Every night I have trouble making sure it hits three. I have always been a little harsh on myself so the list on how to improve gets a lot longer than the three things I’m grateful for. I’m also desensitised to the little things that used to make me happy. They also don’t match up to the other #blessed tags.

What I also realised was my timeline is suddenly segmented into series of singular days but sometimes there are things you only grow to appreciate after a series of events. Now I’d admit that this is my own fault and my own doing but I really was paying less attention to those things because I was frustrated with what happens in the bracket of time in which I was awake. These are only instantaneous gratitude and it fades fairly quickly. You see, everything eventually becomes insufficient and happiness, to me at least, even if derived from gratitude isn’t any better at being eternal.

Being happy forever is just not plausible. Not to me at least. Unless you mean being happy on average and not constantly. I am naturally a happy go lucky person on the surface. What that means is that I pretend to be happy on daily basis. I elevate everything to a whole new level of excitement . If you know me in real life, you might think that this means that I’m fake and sometimes I wonder about that too. (The only thing I can assure you is that whatever connection you’ve built with me is genuine even if I fake being ultra happy.) Sure I only have 22 years of life experience but I’m pretty accustomed to being ‘constantly happy’.

There will be days you feel sad. There will be days you would not understand why you feel sad and there’s nothing you can do about it What the whole being happy forever does to that it makes me feel even more incompetent in keeping myself happy. How do I measure my own happiness and tell myself I’m not that far off if it’s intangible? Being incompetent makes me feel even more unhappy and then I spiral down the happiness chart.

It’s okay not to be okay is not just a paradoxical catchphrase. There are ups and downs in life that make happiness worth it. The sadness you deal with is important in making you who you are. How do you otherwise deal with grave loss, you can’t just ignore it and be “well at least I should be grateful I still have (insert something)”. I’m still dealing with shits in life for sure but for what it is, I’m not to cooped up in being happy or miserably trying to avoid misery in any form

Lastly, I think a shootout to all my pessimistic brothers and sisters out there 😌 It’s okay if you aren’t driven by positivity and seeing the good and the fluffy things in everyone. Lemme illustrate it for you. A friend of mine was asking about how to not be nervous when it comes to showcasing choreography or dancing in smaller group. Most of the responses I’ve heard was always “People are not judging you. If you do any less good or if you don’t remember steps would anyone think that you’re any less competent than you are?” This response seems nice and all but it doesn’t sit well with me. One thing is there are other people who’d say otherwise. Those who won’t think less of you are probably your friends but there might be criticism. Sure those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind BUT let me offer you another way of putting it. One that drives me to be better. “When you slip up, nobody notices – not because you’re good at covering it but honestly someone else will grab that attention. Someone else thrives in your fall and it’s sad but it also means if people notice, it means they’re watching you!“. See its pretty sad and sounds like a downer but really this has motivated me for quite some time. Sure, one day these sentences and Outlook may wreck me and I may have to be positive. But if positivity is not your thing and this sort of negativity works for you, don’t let people tell you you’re wrong.

With all of these said, I refuse to try to be happy. I’d try to build connection, I’d cherish the moment, I’ll snap chat for a while before I live in the moment itself, I’d disconnect when I need to. But most importantly, I’d be happy in my own way in my attempt to also achieve other things.

Offending and offended

I’m generally someone who’s very careful about not offending others because really when someone’s rude to you it can affect you for one whole day and that’s not nice.

Unfortunately, sometimes I slip up.

Today I did.

Let’s put it into context, I’m normally very vulgar so people who are close to me are used to it. I don’t mean to offend. Never, in fact. I know it sounds ironic but it’s in jest and I do make sexual jokes all the time so it really is normal.

A friend of mine today said a joke I couldn’t stomach. He’s said it a few times and normally I’d speak politely about how it’s not nice. Today though (I’d like to blame it on my exams being tomorrow and my lack of preparation but really to be fair everyone is having exam) I said

you can fuck yourself.

Wtf rude

actually no, I was just being literal

Whatever

Stupidly I realised that he was offended afterwards. So I apologised because I hate it when I offend people.

What I hated more was how I made excuses about not having offended the person and how I insisted he is supposed to be chill about it.

You don’t get to decide whether or not something is offensive. Whether or not you wanted to offend someone is a separate matter from having offended them. Just like how you have your own excuses for being rude they have their own reasons and shits to deal with that may make them more susceptible to being offended by something that is normally okay to them.

Then I realised something else. The reasons behind my apology that is. I apologize not (just? Or mainly? I’m not so sure) because I was sorry I hurt him, I apologize because I hate having to deal with the embarrassment of being offensive. I apologize because I dislike having been the asshole that made others feel bad. It’s so egocentric.

When and how to make this thing right then? At what point is it concluded that yes you have made the other person  uncomfortable but it really is alright.
I know two wrongs don’t make it right so don’t worry I’m not gonna ask the other party to return the favour if it makes them feel better.

I’m just going through the rigor of things and it doesn’t seem that anything… well, time will get rid of this uneasiness.